Diabetes is a funny condition. Just when one may be thinking of the list of concerns to be addressed, one realises that diabetes is waiting first in line in any case. This is my coming out story more to myself than those reading it: type 1 diabetes has stressed me out.
Interestingly, it is a condition that demands balance, a balance that is affected by every factor ranging from food habits, diet, and workout to sleep, hormonal changes, and mental health. Some may see it a race to perfection often marred by the fear of being judged. While the fear of judgement is the least of my concerns, often the thin line between balance and perfection fades away.
That nothing is perfect may be one argument to reduce the stress of it. But attempting to push and be perfect is often an easy escape than striking a balance. Either way, attempting to achieve anything with diabetes is synonymous to taking the road less traveled. This idiom would have been attractive if I were to embark on a tour around the world in 80 dollars but no thanks to the lakhs of rupees I must spend on my diabetes supplies — here, it is anything but attractive.
We are not talking about a condition, nay, Russian roulette. Every trial and error in an attempt to achieve the medically prescribed range is a gamble. Yet, it is amusing how destiny has the last laugh. Diabetes is a science strongly influenced by philosophy. That there is no dearth of stories of people who have survived despite being at the edge of death with a blood sugar level of 10 mg/dl (0.55 mmol/L) to a level of over 1000 mg/dl (over 50.0 mmol/L) yields only one reaction, one that of shock and/or wonder. The average of these reactions when converted equals to one word alone: Destiny. Until an Einstein of diabetic philosophy emerges from the ashes of those who died with diabetes but not of its complications, I survive to thrive on the balance of my estimates. Enough cannot be said on this subject.
Diabetes is a high roller and I am a wild card, go figure. We never fell in love, so we never can break up; yes, it’s beyond complicated. So having the required courage for diabetes that I may need for other things just as important gets exhausting. Forgive me Father for I may be sinning when I find the idea of stressing entirely over other equally important aspects of life without worrying about diabetes, for the lack of a better phrase, to be hell of an easier struggle.
Diabetes doesn’t stop me, no. But it does more or less drive me. On Monday Motivation-like days it does drive me for better; it makes me plain angry some days. I will not contest the foolishness of those who contest the abilities of a person with diabetes or any condition for that matter. But as someone living with diabetes, I’d be stupid not to acknowledge, accept and process the fact that I have an extra challenge in any case, and that I need a unique way to work around it. Sympathies are not welcome; empathy is. Let’s face it, the levels will never be perfect, neither will the fight. Diabetes is going to get a piece of my mind every now and then and I sure will not be smiling because it is the most unrealistic thing I can do while giving someone or something a beating.
So here I am, in the glory of my angst confessing that it is tougher than it sounds, that it is a struggle for a perfect number every other hour, that no family deserves the sleepless nights brought upon them; that no child, and no elderly deserve a volcano of questions brewing inside their bosom. Even as a handful of us can afford the luxury to say we can do it, that there are thousands who are still struggling to make sense of the symptoms angers me most.
Yet here I am, hung by the thread of destiny, wearing my halo of acknowledgement, and putting in the hard work that I must not for myself but for the comfort of those more dear to me. Latching on to what is most dear to me to get my boat sailing across the ocean has helped since I acknowledged that there is a problem in the first place waiting to be solved. No point sweet talking, high sugars may hit. This is typeonederwoman’s exposé from typeonederland.